Just like your mother always said: “Always be a good guest and leave the place cleaner than when you found it.” And a one-night stand is no exception! Just because you’ve done the dirty doesn’t mean you get to ditch the dusty. Here’s how to get his apartment looking as good as that drunk half-orgasm felt:
Clear the floor and install clutter-busting hooks.
The first mess to clean up is your own, and there’s no better place to start than the floor! Carefully crawl out of bed and grope around blindly for your underwear. Locate your bra, panties and last night’s dress next to that empty Kix cereal box. Next, take the packet of stick-on hooks out of your purse and quietly attach them to the wall. After you hold them in place for 20-30 seconds to ensure adhesiveness, hang up your belongings. He’ll thank you—if he remembers your name!
Set up a filing system.
Next up is his desk! Old papers can accumulate and take over surfaces, which is why they need to be sorted into designated filing places. Decide what your one-time random fling needs to keep, what he can stand to throw away, and what is pertinent information about himself that he might be hiding. Old pay stubs, tax statements, and bills—keepers! Love letters from old girlfriends, his failed attempts at cartooning, and any drafts of his weird sci-fi novel—those are dumpers! Phew! You’re never going to see this guy again.
Organize his medicine cabinet.
The medicine cabinet can be a real problem zone, so you’ll want to take your time here. What medications is he taking? Check the expiration dates. Does this total stranger you banged reallyneed both Klonopin and Xanax? And he probably doesn’t need more than one tube of hemorrhoid ointment. Ha ha! Wait: There’s a bottle of red nail polish in there. Why is that there? Whose is it? These are all questions to text him later. For now, use the cleaner’s motto: “If it doesn’t bring you joy, throw it out!”
Do a thorough wardrobe cleanse.
His closet, dresser, and that pile of clothes spilling from his laundry bag are just begging to be sorted. Pare down by simply throwing out any clothes that have holes or pit stains, and don’t forget to toss his “FBI: Female Body inspector” and “Trust Me, I’m a Doctor” t-shirts. By now you will have consolidated his wardrobe and even opened up a drawer or two. ‘Cause who knows, right? Maybe he might want to give someone a drawer sometime in the future? Nobody knows the future, right? You’re not like moving in or anything, but…it’s always good to have more space!
Reorganize his pantry.
Be fearless with his fridge and take it on one shelf at a time. Assess the situation: What kind of food does he eat? Better yet, what kind of food should he eat? Say you were to spend an intimate night at home, just the two of you, cooking dinner and relaxing—would he need that 12-pack of Ramen? A freezer full of Ellio’s frozen pizzas? Does he know how much trans fat is in that? Does he even know that you have a gluten allergy?? Now he has plenty of room in the fridge for some fresh farmer’s market produce that you two could buy together. Just sayin’!
Now, that wasn’t so hard! All that’s left to do is fix your makeup, get back into bed, and pretend to sleep in a flattering position until he wakes up for that really important breakfast with his mom.
Summer is the time for beach vacays and weekend getaways. But nothing can hamper your holiday like a visit from Aunt Flo, which is the last wave on the beach that you want to ride. When visiting someone’s home, it’s important to be a gracious guest, which means not smearing your menstrual blood all over their house. Follow these tips and your pesky period won’t be a problem for everyone else:
Provide fair warning.
Prior to your arrival, be sure to let your host know that your uterus is shedding its lining, and there is blood and menstrual tissue oozing out of your vagina. They’ll be grateful for the heads-up so that when thick, gelatinous blood starts overflowing from your underwear, they can lay down some tarps prior to your arrival.
Wipes! Use lots of wipes!
Be sure to bring plenty of baby wipes and Lysol cleaning cloths to clean up all the stains you leave on their beautiful, freshly polished hardwood floor as the copious amounts of period blood complies with the force of gravity. Defuse a potentially messy situation by explaining to your hosts, “Sorry for the inconvenience, but I can’t help it if I’m a regular Spotty Dotty this weekend. It’s nature’s way!” Clearing the air will leave you guys free to enjoy each other’s company, despite the mammalian waste product that’s escaping your drawers.
Come bearing gifts.
Consider bringing a gift as a way to thank your hosts in advance. It’s a caring and thoughtful gesture that demonstrates your gratitude for them putting up with the gushing forth of your ripe womanhood. Classic gift ideas include a bottle of wine or a nice scented candle. The scented candle can be especially handy to distract from the tangy and metallic scent of the uterine lining you are freely shedding from your vagina in their presence. And if they do notice, well, wine helps!
Navigating sleeping arrangements during Leak Week can be tricky. To be safe from unsightly spills, bring your own sheets. Nothing is more embarrassing than when your lady dam breaks and surges through your PJs and all over their crisp white linens! We recommend layering heavy flannel obsidian black sheets to hide your shame. If you’ve got a serious case of the bleedies, you might consider bringing a mattress cover. Airbnb doesn’t reimburse hosts for bloodstained mattresses!
Stay tidy, and hide the evidence.
Keep your guest area neat and tidy. Don’t forget to fold your towels, and make sure your plethora of extra-firm cooter plugs and industrial-strength adult diapers are folded and tucked out of sight. Your period may be God’s punishment, but that doesn’t mean you can leave your tampons all over the place! Now that would be original sin!
Profess your gratitude.
Lastly, always remember to send a thank-you note. Let them know how much fun you had and how sorry you were for hemorrhaging all over their white couch. Assure them you will pay for the damage. And for heaven’s sake, try not to get any blood on the envelope!
Follow these tips and you should be able to get through the weekend without filling their house with blood!
Summer is in full swing, and that means it’s time for the 15th Annual Herb Draft for the Northeast Division fantasy herb gardening league. Which plants outgrew their draft expectations, and which ones wilted under the scrutiny? One can pore over the herb rankings and projections, but they’ve also got to hope for easy matchups and playing the herbs right. Here are some of this year’s top picks from Round 1 of Westchester’s Porch Division:
Pick #1: Marjoram
“Marjoram’s been struggling the past couple seasons, but I really think this is her year,” says Emma Smith of the Dill-igent Dames. This is a surprising reach, since marjoram has a serious issue with overwatering. One hard rain-shower and this player’s performance will nosedive. Despite past injuries, Marjoram has been a well-respected player, and has been the key to many a great meat dish. Marjoram drafters are just gonna have to hope for a heat streak.
Pick #2: Borage
Bunny McPherson of the team “Cumin! We’re Open” earned envious looks from fellow fantasy leaguers with her selection of borage, a hot newcomer who had a stellar year at the local nursery. Borage is a versatile and easy-to-grow player with plenty of upsides. The best thing about borage is that its flowers, stems, and leaves are all edible. If you’ve got an early pick, this is an herb you definitely want in your soil. Could this be the year borage finally breaks out? Only time will tell.
Pick #3: Basil
For third pick of the starting line-up we are looking to Jenna Daniels of “Rosemary’s Babies”. This gal took it all home last year with her ballsy selection of catnip. Her third pick is just as bold with Basil. Basil has suffered some handicaps in the past with sensitivity to frost. However, its ubiquitous culinary use projects it as a well-rounded point scorer. We’re yet to discover whether Basil will outgrow its troubled past.
Pick #4: Lemongrass
In a shocking turn, Tiffany Fitzgerald of “Tarra-Gon With the Wind” went with lemongrass for fourth pick. There is virtually no scouting report for lemongrass as it has only been seen prepared at the nicer takeout place, never grown in a pot on anyone’s stoop. What is known is that initial statements say its game could translate well to the rough-and-tumble style of Westchester. Lemongrass’ strong citrus flavor may prove too dominant for Tiffany’s other patch picks. Experts say lemongrass could fall anywhere between breakout star Thai basil or bad boy kudzu.
Pick #5: Cilantro
Rounding out the final pick of the first round, Molly Kingston of “Anise to Meet You” snagged cilantro as her first-round pick. She looks to score points early with cilantro’s fast growth, but as the season moves on, cilantro’s performance is likely to diminish, not to mention many people’s genetic distaste for the herb. Right now the outlook is sunny, but the question Molly should be asking herself is: Can cilantro take the end-of-season heat?
Notable Omissions: Stunningly, Lavender was left on the board undrafted and unloved in the first round. After years of service, has this scent-sational herb finally reached the end of its run?
It’s become an annual tradition in Westchester that Parsley is the final pick of the draft. It is then immediately dropped from the boards…because no one likes parsley.
Stay posted all fantasy season long!
We absolutely love Mary’s vegan cookies! And it’s certainly not just because we recently found out she’s getting a divorce. These treats are chock-full of carob nibs, a vegan chocolate alternative that tastes almost like the real thing! And her husband of ten years, Jeff, is a lying, cheating, grade-A asshole, so my God does she need a little bit of positivity right now.
But really, we like eating them!
Mary’s cookies are so delicious that one might ask, “How could a woman who bakes healthy, delicious treats ever be single?” If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, Mary would certainly still be happily married, because these are the most amazing cookies known to man—and they’re vegan! Wow! Go Mary! Really Mary, you should go: It’s important to get out of the house.
We’re not spitting out Mary’s cookies when she leaves the room, we swear!
Mary’s vegan cookies have a chewy moist consistency that she mastered by using her custom Kitchen-Aid mixer. It was a wedding present, so at least she got something good out of that cursed union. These cookies are truly a gift from God; a diamond in the rough of Mary’s current life. Seriously, we’re begging her for the recipe!
Mary’s cookies use almond flour and coconut oil, which are healthful substitutes for butter and wheat. So much better than boring white flour. Jeff never understood that. But who needs him, if he’s not down for Mary or her cookies?
These cookies are A-plus and Mary’s a star for making them! It’s all we can talk about!
By using natural agave, these vegan cookies, like Mary, have the perfect balance of sweetness. The cookies won’t weigh you down like a bad marriage. If anything, you’ll miss them when they’re gone, which is just how we felt about Mary back when she spent all her time fighting with Jeff. So good to have her around again! This divorce is for the best! You’ll see, Mary.
Please let Mary know after you try her cookies how tasty they are and that she is still a sexually viable woman with lots of great assets!
Why I’m Still Watching That Show That I Hate
By: Lily Feinn
Yes, I’m still watching that show that I hate.
And, no, you’re not the first person to ask me if I have better things to do with my time than to spend hours watching something that fills me with rage.
Of course I have plenty of things to do. More important things. I have laundry that needs to be folded, I have dishes that need to be washed, I have a litter box that is well overdue for a cleaning. Not to mention, on a professional level, I’ve been feeling unfulfilled at work, and have been thinking of perhaps looking into some other options.
No, I don’t think switching departments will fix things. And, yes, I’ve discussed that with my boss. He seemed somewhat amenable; but I think he has his own personal stuff going on. He hasn’t even been watching the show this season. Besides, I think the the company’s atmosphere has changed since the merger, or I’m not being challenged, or perhaps I just need a long vacation. Maybe go to a beach. Or a hotel with a pool and a well-stocked minibar, and cable – so I can watch that show, because the series finale is coming up, and I wouldn’t want to miss it. It’s going to be the worst.
God, I hate it. If this season is any indication, I’m sure they’ll really screw up the finale. I keep thinking, ‘Surely it can’t get any worse?’ And then it gets worse.
Many people think I watch it because of the main character, but I don’t. He’s objectively handsome and a good actor, but that’s a silly reason to watch something. Though he is handsome. If you like that sort of thing. Obviously after this much time I am curious about what’s going to happen to him. But, am I truly invested? No. If they killed him off would I be upset? Would I post something about it on Facebook? Would I go on all the online message boards? Would I cry a little? I don’t think so. As I said, it’s just a show.
Here’s one thing I am convinced of. Utterly convinced. The season finale is going to be shit. After all these months, it’s probably going to break me. Keep all glass and sharp objects away from me. Seriously. Hide them. This is not a joke. I’m begging you. Of course I’m joking. It’s just a stupid show.
It’s strange, sometimes I’m filled with dread before the show even starts. Watching the opening credits was giving me anxiety, so I fast-forward through them now. It helps to get the show over with as soon as possible. I don’t even watch the ‘Next week on,’ because I don’t want to waste the rest of my week obsessing about how they’re going to mess it up again. It makes me so depressed because the show could have been amazing. I don’t know why I’m still watching it. Perhaps I should just give up?
I am actually really excited for the finale though. The only reason being that once it’s over I can finally get back to my life. I think I’m going to start doing yoga again, to find my inner calm, since that show makes me want to strangle small children. Not in a literal way. I’m just saying, that I get so angry, I could probably follow through with it.
But not Bikram though, I don’t like getting too sweaty.
And that last episode. Oh boy. It’s like the writers were testing me. They were personally administering a special test designed to tax my will and make me quit the show. It’s enough to make me want to drive to LA and read them the riot act. But then I might miss the finale and I have no idea who would feed the cat while I’m away. So I guess we’ll just see how this plays out.
Can I tell you something and you promise not to judge me? I know it sounds ridiculous, but I keep waiting for the show to get better. At this point it’s probably not going to, but you never know! Do you think I’m deluded? Have you been watching it? Oh, you haven’t…well…I won’t spoil anything for you. Can’t wait for next season. It’s gonna be terrible.